Vlogs

If any of you remember, in my very first blog entry I discussed just how much I thought bloggers were tools.

Welp, it's time to face that problem once again, but this time over a new topic: vlogs.

There are a lot of vloggers out there that piss me off. However, I've come to realize that my hatred for them stems more from their need to try and impress everyone than anything else.

That, or trying to offend everyone in a failed attempt at being "funny" or "badass".

Or some godawful mixture of the two.

Either way, they are awful and I hope their parent's are regretting not having those abortions.

Is that offensive enough? Should I throw some nazi jokes in there?

Yeah, I'm going to regret writing this when it's suddenly not 3 in the morning.

Or when I get a lot of rejection letters from colleges who google my email address.

Or when anything else ever.

Anyway, back on topic, I've decided to make a vlog.

So yeah, I'll be posting the videos here.

Now I just need a catch phrase.

Here's one, how about: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I like it. It's very open.

I can already hear me 2 years from now tryna nostalgia hard and reading this, thinking, "Oh God what was wrong with me?"

I am sorry, future me. I am sorry.

Anyway, until I upload a video, you can enjoy some of my classy favorites such as "Epic Naked Man" and "Arnold from the Magic School Bus Dies".

Also, that second recommendation isn't optional. You must watch it.

Saying that reminds me of how in elementary school the librarians would force me to take out the books they'd recommend to me. I'd usually just get some shit and never read it, and then when they'd ask me "So how was it?" I'd say, "I don't know, I didn't want to take it out." or "Good." and then just take out a movie instead.

It wasn't that I didn't like reading as a kid, but every story located in an elementary school library was about team building and forgiving your enemies.

If some asshole teases my autistic brother, I'm not going to try to give him closure so that he'll eventually soften up to me and apologize to my sibling.

I shit you not that was one of the books. I was so fucking mad.

Can you imagine if they did that in the real world? If the cops caught a serial killer and were like, "But no, it's okay, he's just misunderstood. He doesn't know it's wrong!"

Like, "OHMAN I DIDN'T KNOW. BETTER LET HIM GO."

Anyway, this blog entry is about 30 paragraphs longer than I meant for it to be, so...

Have a nice day. :)

Halloween

With Halloween just around the corner, everyone is doing their best to find a costume that works for them.

That being said, I don't understand is why every woman's costume has to be sexy.

I am scared to know what a Squidward adaption would look like.

I thought Spongebob was a children's cartoon, not a sleazy clothing brand for middle aged prostitutes. But hey, whatever works!

But that's not even the worst of it....

A sexy crayon? Really? Who even made this? I don't understand what kind of person sits there and thinks, "Hr. That crayon over there sure is makin' me horny."

Clearly the kind of person with no mental stability. 

Also, statistics show that children get molested on Halloween more than on most other holidays. Unfortunately, that's understandable, seeing as how they're wandering the streets alone and knocking on stranger's doors. Of course, one can always take safety measures. So how can you ensure your child's safety?

Cleverly titled 'Cheerless Leader'. Gettit? Cuz she's been raped.

By dressing them up like this, of course! 

Once again, I don't understand who makes these costumes. They cannot even go so far as being classified as cute. Also, what kind of parent is alright with this? 

Probably the same kind who would be willing to wear the sexy crayon outfit. 

(Halloween is my favorite holiday, so expect more than one entry about it.)

My future and what I plan to do with it

Well, I'm looking into colleges and scrambling to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Initially, I thought I would like to be an art teacher, but I soon realized that my "love" for art and children was actually a growing hatred.

I like children, I like art; I don't like either enough to spend everyday of the rest of my life working with the collation.

Look at how much pain she's in.

So I was asked to think up other things I would like to do, bringing up marine biology my father was kind enough to quickly chime in, "No, you need to be smart for that."

Ignoring his lovely fact idea, I did realize that I hate microscopic biology, and would probably fail any test ever that involved such material. So, as the kids say, fuck that.

BUT THEN....

After another good debate with my mother over I should be a lawyer or not, I realized I really enjoyed writing. Being a lawyer isn't my still because I hate politics and then I'd be a PART OF THE SYSTEM.

Anyway, when you think of journalism and the likes you always think of politics, which is, obviously not what I want to write about.

I will most likely major in communications.

So I really want to be one of those people who critiques things. I think I'd be rather good at it, seeing as how I'm only funny when I'm making fun of/being mean to something.

If none of that works out, I'll just have to go with plan B.

Which is becoming this guy.

To start off, I figured I'd try and join the school paper (horrifying, I know). So for those of you who I go to school with, actually start reading it.

Otakon

Are you all enjoying my sudden flow of entries?

Well I am, so fuck you.

It just occurred to me that I never actually made an entry about Otakon, and figured I should go ahead and do so.

And by that I mean I should go ahead and upload this picture:

Dat gun.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday searching for a Duke, and was constantly told to give up because "nobody would dress up as him."

Then, at about 11 on Friday night, I saw a red blob walking beside me, and looked up to see the god that is...

...this guy.

The moral of this story is: Don't give up hope. Even if it seems effortless (like trying to find an attractive male dressed as a specific video game character at an anime convention).

Anyway, I'll go ahead and admit that I have a problem. My friend Estelle recently messaged me and said: essay prompt: Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vice versa. First thought: Duke Nukem. 

I have to agree. Sadly. Not to mention I sort of gave up pretending not to quite awhile ago.

Also Chris-chan! Yaaay Chris-chan, yaaaay. 

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE

The geeg meister and I are making a FAQ/QandA video tomorrow night, so if you have any questions you'd like to ask us, feel free to comment/message/whatnot me. 

Earthquakes up in hya

I experienced my first earthquake today.

Before I knew what was happening I honestly just thought my neighbors were having rougher sex than usual.

Then, when my room literally began shakin' around all my crap, I just got mad at them for being dicks in general, and then proceeded to think about fat people.

Finally deciding that maybe going outside was a good idea, I got distracted by video games and then took a nap instead.

Nah, the quakes had stopped at that point. I'm not QUITE that stupid.

Just very close to it.

FUCK THE POLICE.

"Vanessa, you sound like a black redneck."

-Marc

Fanfiction

I would like to take a moment to recognize the amazing glory that is this fanfiction:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6711199/1/In_the_Butt_with_Gary_Smith

That's right, I've been playing Bully. For those of you who can't remember it/have never heard of it, I guarantee you've seen this trailer:

If you haven't ever seen this then... I don't know where you were a few years back. I guess you were just having a bit of a dead.

In short, it's Grand Theft Auto. Instead of working for the mafia, you work for your douchebag classmates.

My favorite scene is the scene where you walk into your room and Gary's laying on your bed dressed as a nazi. Then proceeds to tell you he "put a special outfit in your closet".

And by that I mean I wat'd hard.

I found it in a bargain bin for about 5 dollars, mainly due to the case having been ripped a new one. I gotta say, it's pretty fun though.

I was going somewhere with all of this, but I can't remember where. So just read that there story instead.

Google

So I recently checked what people googled in order to find my blog.

I'm not sure what's more upsetting, that googling these things links to my blog, or that the type of people who google this are the kind of people who read my blog anyway.

Also, I'm going to go ahead and replace the word "upsetting" for the word "better". You guys are my kind of people.

Why stuff sucks

My friend helped me realize earlier this week that I'm really no good at updating my blog and writing about things if it involves being "friendly" or writing about things I "enjoy".

To a degree anyway.

Therefore, I have decided to critique random specimens that I find to be "shitty" and believe could have been done better; had I have access to a time machine.

1. Math

As I'm sure you've all been able to tell by now, math and I do not see eye to eye on many things. Had I a time machine, I would severely bludgeon whoever decided to advance the subject past multiplication... or just anything I don't understand. I hope you all like basic algebra because it's as far as the system is going to go.

As for the lot of you who actually get some sort of sick pleasure out of math....

2. Modern Art

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a famous piece of modern art worth a couple of thousands. It's a monochromatic piece, which is artist speak for "it's one fucking color, asshole. Deal with it".

I don't care if it has some deep inner meaning. I could graffiti "SHITSICLES" on a wall and say it represents.

the corruption of today's youth through all aspects. Feces enter our bodies rather than exit and we are never truly pure.

Giving something meaning doesn't make it art, at least not to a general public.

Modern art was actually able to catch my interest for quite awhile. Mainly due to artists such Keith Boadwee (who shoves paint into his butthole and then squeezes it onto canvas) and Bob Flanagan (who nailed his own penis to a board). They suffered (or deeply enjoyed, I'm not sure which) for their art. Then hipsters decided it would be retro to create their own... Not by trying though, that'd be too mainstream. Thus, masterpieces such as these were born.

Had I a time machine/unlimited power (same thing, really), I would decree that all modern art, or at least that which is so effortless, have the word "SHITSICLES" spray painted onto it. To show that it is shit, and always will be. 

3. Cinnamon

Possibly the most nauseatingly popular thing that can be considered a food substance/spice. There's a reason the cinnamon challenge forces you to gag and vomit; eating pure cinnamon will unleash the Antichrist within your body. YOU MUST REPENT. 

Whoever thought "LAWL THIS LOOKS LIKE BARK, BETTER EAT IT." was probably a little slow anyway, and nobody would notice if they went missing (via time machine, of course). 

Maybe none of that was very humorous, but I'm too busy being disgusted to find it within myself to be funny.

Cinnamon buns can stay though. Those are rather good.

4. Money

Or, rather, the lack of me having any. Travelling to the future and forcing everyone into poverty wouldn't effect me in the "present", so I really see no problem with doing so. (Cuz just suddenly entering millions of dollars yet to exist wouldn't mess up the economy or anything, right? Also I'm sure robbing people in the future will be so much easier.)

5. Filled Crackers

They're TOO good. I hate them so much for it. 

However, speaking of Hello Panda, it's been "the new sports theme" for almost 7 years. I don't want to be reminded of exercise whilst eating calorie packed biscuits. It makes me feel bad. It also makes me question the, shall we say, freshness... of the biscuits I'm eating. 

6. Stuff I'm actually against

You.

7. Lol just kidding

I'm sure none of you actually care what my views on things are (thanks a lot, dicks), and those of you who do, well, I suppose you already know. I'll be sure to shove it down ALL your throats sometime in the future, but for now...

8.

Edit: I also hate editing this page. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THIS FORMAT AT IS. LOOK AT IT.

Good quotes by good folks

"I'm gay minus the whole 'liking men' part."
-Manwhorz

"I'm hornier than a viking hat and got more bitches than a dog farmer."
-Sami

"What kind of asshole farms dogs?"
-Dalton

"What the chocolatey snack?"
-Marc

"It's only funny because it's so retarded."
-Alex

"...But what if Draco fell off a bridge and became a parallelogram?"
-Gigi

"What? What the fuck are you talking about?"
-Everyone else

"Because of YOU have I have 'ballsack mittens' in my search history!"
-Alli

"We knew this kid back in New York... and by 'we' I mean 'John' and by 'kid' I mean 'drug dealer'."
-Veronica

"Religious views? Yeaaaa there is no God- BAM. Right in the religion!"
-Dave

I'm sure there's tons of more quotes, but I can't be bothered to think of any right now. I'm attending an anime convention next week (Yeah, I'm pretty cool. No big deal.) and that should lead to a rather... interesting blog.

Also, I hate that the blog looks so text filled lately, so please enjoy this picture:

This picture that contains more text....

I Seem To Have Stopped Writing

It would seem that I only have one entry for the month of July.

That is unacceptable. I blame summer completely. 

Also the fact that I am unsure how many people actually still read this contributes to the lack of... contribution. 

Well, I read this, so, as my dad would say, "FUCK Y'ALL"

There may or may not be a good chance that he has never said that, but that will just have to remain a mystery. 

Moving right along, I am rather excited for the release of Deus Ex. Which, by the way, sounds like the french way to say Ex Dee. They should work on that part.

It's as if God said "You know what's cool? Robots. I like robots." The quality of this game is, however, far too advanced for my computer. When I stated "I'm rather excited for the release of Deus Ex" what I actually meant to say was "I'm rather excited to watch Kai play Deus Ex". 

800 and counting.

I'm only about 200 views away from being at 1,000 views.

That'll be pretty cool. Once it happens... I'll do something special for you guys. I don't know what though.

I'll um... I'll upload nudes. Not of myself though, I have more dignity left than would be expected. I'll get someone else to do it for me.

How do you guys feel about omegle dicks?

Yeah. I'll go with that.

Omegle dicks for everybodyyyy. Hooraaaaay.

The math behind bein' gay

"Me and my friend Vanessa, also known as ~Ohchinchin, were discussing how my brother said both homosexual and queer together, causing us to assume that someone who is both homosexual and queer would be one who is a gay gay guy, also known as a straight guy."

What exactly does it mean to be gay? Through much research, scientists and mathmaticians have now been able to put a mathmatic formula behind it.

Gay- One of the basics roots.

Straight- One of the basic roots.

Gay x Gay- Straight. Gay is, in a sense, a negative number. Thus, a person who is Gay squared is actually straight.

Gay x Gay x Gay- A "straight gay" is born from this formula. A homosexual with absolutely no flamboyancy.


Gay x Gay x Gay x Gay- Double straight. Usually used for the more annoying Christians... cuz BEIN' A QUEEROSEXUAL IS A SIN.

Tip: Why not brighten someones day by telling them how straight they are? Title should be awarded to any anti-TGLB people met.

Gay x Gay x Gay x Gay x Gay- A flamboyant Gay. 

More than one solution- Most often found in fractions and quadratic formula real life. A Bisexual.

No Solution/Imaginary numbers- When a solution simply does not work. Asexual. They are also imaginary I guess.

Infinite solutions-Perverts.

Coke addictions and other irrelevant things

I am not entirely sure how to start off this blog entry, so allow me to simply begin by saying:


"...Just then, a horny The Old One leapt out from behind a tampon and fucked Dr. Rockso in the urethra. ‘ARGH!’ Dr. Rockso screamed."

If you're asking yourself "Vanessa, why you gotta want me dead?", then allow me to explain. I recently showed my friend Alli (She requested I whore out her tumblr, so enjoy: http://a11i.tumblr.com/) this blog, to which she responded  "My only suggestion is to write about me more."

And that is exactly what I am doing.  Mentioning that fucking THE OLD ONE. 

The Old One doing what she does best. Being a penis.

In other news, the new DMC is going to be released rather soon. You all remember Dante, don't you?

Problem?

While I'm not a huge fan of the Devil May Cry series, I am kind of excited to see Dante's badass white hair and red coat back in action as he slays demon after demon.

So what the fuck is this? It looks like Dante got fed up with life and started doing heroin to cope. Also he fights robots now. Wasn't the entire plot of DMC that he was fighting demons for his dead mother or some shit?

However, I have been all too aware of retarded new Dante for quite some time, but I only recently saw the designer/overall planner for the new DMC game.

I... have no words. This blog is done now.

Art

Seeing as how I own a camera, I am an artist. People often ask me "Vanessa, how do you make such good art? Do you own a camera?" and I respond with "I am a professional and, yes, own a camera." Then they usually continue with "Can I make art as good as you if I own a camera?" And I say, "I don't know... you have to be pretty deep and misunderstood to become a photographic artist like myself... but owning a camera is a good start and maybe you could take pictures of puppies or something."

Spiraling Downward

The staircase represents our spiral into insanity. However, our local mall contains no spiraled staircases so I had the option of photographing the regular kind or an elevator shaft. The man on the stairs represents us all and is perhaps telling us to yield... but we cannot. The babies should be disregarded as they are babies and do not go insane very often.

My Soul

This little gem is entitled "My Soul", as it gives you an inward look at how deep and creative I truly am. Don't I have pretty eyes? I doesn't matter though because I am an artist and artists don't care about looks. We are too busy being free spirits. 

Leap of Faith

 I call this piece "Leap of Faith". It depicts me, full of colour and spirit, walking on the brightest part of this dismal world. I am struggling with my views on religion and sexuality. Will I make it? Let's hope so for the sake of the artistic community. Send me your prayers. Or don't. I haven't decided if I am an atheist or not yet. Whichever is more artsy.

Forgotten Souls

"Forgotten Souls". This is what we have become. This is me and my friend Darkness Twilight. We are both misunderstood creatures and are often called "emo" even though we don't believe in stereotypes. If anything we would most likely be gothic so everyone's stereotyping is wrong anyway.

Rebelling

"Rebelling" against society. It doesn't matter if we're both girls we should be allowed to walk through the mall holding hands and taking pictures without anyone stopping us. This picture is very deep and meaningful because we are experimenting (LOL bi people are so COOL! GSA WOO!~ XD). Just because we both only like men does not mean we cannot be bisexual or even full lesbians.

Slaughter

After our venture into the deep world of art, Darkness Twi and I went to a little underground non mainstream shop to discuss the photo shoot. It's a place called Taco Bell, but you've probably never heard of it. During this time almost all of the fillings in her taco fell out and it was a tragedy only comparable to the holocaust. THE holocaust. It's kinda mainstream but that's alright my heart still goes out to them. MMFWCL. Mwah.

Colors of the Rainbow

 "Colors of the Rainbow"... and brown... mostly brown.

Society's Curse

This shows how society has effected even classic things such as Spiderman. I don't read comics like Spiderman though... I prefer ones such as JTHM and Emily the Strange.

I hope you all have enjoyed my display of fine arts... both classic and modern. If you would like to use my art for anything please ask first because it is mine and I wouldn't want to have to sue you.

Duke Nukem

Hmmm... What's the gun supposed to represent? It's pretty big... About as big as his... ego.

This. What is it? I downloaded the demo for Duke Nukem Forever to see if it would be any good.

The game starts off with a cutscene of you taking a piss. Give yourself a moment to just really let that sink in. You... taking a piss. Let this be a foreshadowing for the rest of the game. Four seconds after said pee scene, I walked into a bathroom stall, picked up a piece of shit, and threw it against the wall. I have no words... Why would anyone ever make that possible? WHY?

Also, after a few minutes of playing, the title screen reveals that you are actually Duke Nukem playing Duke Nukem Forever whilst getting a blowjob from twin girls. They're both about two feet apart from one another. Is Duke Nukem's penis really so large that girls can be sitting TWO FUCKING FEET away from eachother and still give him one single blowjob?

It's probably cancerous, Duke.

Hell, maybe he just has two. He is DUKE MOTHERFUCKING NUKEM afterall.

Anyway, the girls ask you something along the lines of "What about the game, Duke? Was it good, too?" Followed by some satanic giggling, and then Nukem states/snorts, "Yeah, but after 12 fucking years it should be."

...Oh the irony.

Actually, the graphics and gameplay are fun... but the dialogue, voices, and jokes are just so... retarded. I can't get passed it.

I mean, Resident Evil 4 is my favorite game, and it contains some BAD dialogue itself.

Hey Leon, wanna go play some Duke Nukem?

Didn't think so.

It's my fault, really. What else am I supposed to expect from a Duke Nukem game?

I can't stop saying Duke Nukem.

Duke Nukem.

Duke Nukem.

OH YEAH, SHAKE IT BABY. B)

Questions

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 20, and find line 7.
"You can't trust girls. When I get a girlfriend I am not going to tell her where I live or work"
Oh David Thorne... you so crazy.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?
Pants, paper, and a pillow.  And a drawing Alborz did for me for my birthday... on the back of his math homework. Thanks a lot, asshole.


3.Before you started this survey, what were you doing?
Working on a poster for my English final... I got mildly distracted...


4. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
My television doesn't "work" per se. I watched myself play Okami.


5. Who sent the last text message you received?
"Guuuessssss who's sitting in front of me! But by the time you read this he'll probably be gone."

And he was. Because I read it about four hours later when said texter ran up to me and said "CHECK YOUR GODDAMN PHONE MORE OFTEN." 

6. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Implying that my bedroom has a carpet. Luckily, my dad's house does have a carpet. It's.... light brown.../grey... I think... Uhhh... I should probably visit my dad more often.


7.With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Loud indian music, running water, people moving shit, my brain imploding.

8. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? 

I call it, "Picking Up Alli"

9. How many rings before you answer the phone? 
Two. It gives people the illusion that I am busy and doing something important and not looking up porn... even if they just aim'd me and said "Hey bro I'm gon' call you." And I have already replied "Yea k."

If you have any question you'd like to ask me... Go fuck yourself. But in all honesty, I will probably answer them.

Awkward moments

"Hey, Vanessa... Remember the first time we hung out?"

"Oh yeah, and I accidentally opened porn on your computer. That was awkward."

"Awkward?"

"Yes! So awkward! Oh God, we weren't even friends back then."

"WHAT? I thought we were really close back then!"

"..."

Followed by the most awkward pause I have ever experienced. 

Movies

I was forced to go see the latest Xmen movie today. I can't seem to recall the title, and am far too lazy to google anything. I think it was something like, "Xmen: First Class", but my memory isn't all that good so it may as well have been entitled "Xmen: Gigolo's Gone Wild."

If I were to ever direct a porno, I would most likely call it "Jesus Christ: The Second Cumming".

Though then I would need a first one due to the fact that having the word "Two" or "Second" in any movie title instantly causes it to be a sequal. The first one would most likely be "Jesus Christ: Nailing More Things Than Crosses".

Does that make any sense? I honestly do not know...

It doesn't matter.

ANYWAY, back to Xmen. I really didn't want to see it. I'd seen the others and liked them, but wasn't really looking forward to this new one.

I wish I could create a time machine so I could go back in time and punch myself for having ever doubted this movie. And so that I could remind myself not to snooze off while the gum I was chewing prior to napping is still in my mouth. You will wake up chocking, and then swallow it. Followed by a good 2 hours of nausea and silent rage/disgust.

Young Magneto is possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen. I don't even find the actor attractive, but in that movie... DAMN GURL BRAH, YOU HAWT.

It actually took all my energy to Google this. Oh God I am so tired.

 I also saw The Hangover 2 about a week ago. I did not expect it to be as amazing as it was.

"It's called Bangkok, not Bangkooch." - The best line ever.

Also, my blog posts are all being written in half awake hazes lately. It is the only time I can think of something stupid enough to write down because it's usually inspired by crappy music I find at 3 in the morning.

An Average Conversation

"Hey Vanessa, whatchya doin?"

"Bein' big pimpin'."

"...You're not funny."

"That's because I'm hilarious."

"..."

/school day.

Tengo Hambre Jr. II

A God Among Men

This is Tengo Hambre Jr. the second, or Junior Two for short. Given to me by my good friend Rachel.

There's a long, long, loooong story behind his name, but I won't bore you with it.

Anyway, he's made with alpaca wool, and he is an alpaca; there's some sort of paradox there, but it will work itself out I am sure.

There is no real purpose behind this blog entry, besides for you all to jealously glare at my adorable little alpaca, wishing you were me. 

He is Tiny

Bikes: The new sensation that's not sweeping anything

I decided to click the "Next blog" button at the top of the screen, being bored and having gotten frustrated with Metal Gear Solid 2 (I played for 10 minutes, got killed 7 times, and ragequit. Money well spent.)

While I did expect the common "obsessive mom" and "creepy religious" blogs, I did not expect to find that half of all blogs would be made up about bikes. While I was amused by a single one of these blogs (the bikers taking part of it having named themselves "Team Bi-atch"), I am still baffled and afraid. Is there something I'm missing? Is this a fad? If so, I do not approve. Anything that supports full grown men in tight spandex should be punishable by guillotine. Guillotine of the non spandex persuasion.

However, just in case the creepy religion and bicyclists ever happen to meet up, thus coming after me with pitchforks and spare chains, I have decided to compose one entry fulfilling the apparently necessary bicycle data requirement.

A bicycle, sometimes used for riding.

Having typed "A bicycle" into google, related searches were a computer and a bus.Once more, I am extremely confused.

Bicycle, noun, otherwise known as a bike (it's thug name) is a wheel that is sexually attracted to both male and female partners.

While often meant for riding, their sole purpose is to not only annoy drivers, but pedestrians as well. It gives the two, who usually hate one another, a matter on which to agree.

One can also take a bike to the park three times a week in an attempt to pick up attractive women. They will say, "Is that bike yours?" And you will say, "Yes, I ride it three times a week." And she will say, "Wow I am impressed I wish I could ride a bike three times a week." And you will say, "Yes, I also have a blog about it. I update it when I am not riding my bike."

At least that's how it will play out in your mind as women give you a once over, scowl, and walk away.

That is if you can ever get off the couch and actually get on said bike.

....Unlikely.

Hitting a bicyclist will earn you ten points, unless a head shot is applied, in which case NIGGA WAI DA FUCK YO' GOTTA GUN IN DIS MOTHAFUCKIN CAR? IF Y'ALL DUN' HAVE A GUN IN DIS HERE CAR, HOW DA FUCK YOU APPLYIN'  HEADSHAWTS? HO, I WILL KILL YOU.

Hookers and blow.

It may or may not be 2 in the morning, and I may or may not have any idea what I'm talking about. 

National Something Day

Today is National Something Day.

In its honor, here is something:

IMPORTANT COMMUNITY ANNOUNCMENT

Hold it! Stop cleaning up that oil spill, stop recycling, stop not beating your children!

THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.

The Albese species (Albesius Emosiusor) is endangered.

A lone Albese, having wandered from the pack.

Albese, often referred to as Alborz or Manwhorz (both singular), are a majestic creature, often found grazing in the halls whilst listening to dubstep and screamo. They enjoy sitting outside despite the weather, and are a prideful bunch. While usually an animal that travels in pack, they have been known to stray or join other groups.

Over the years this majestic beast has been hunted for his meat and pelt, providing warmth for the people of the earth for decades. However, due to carelessness, he has been hunted nearly to extinction.

An Alborz midattack!

Despite their attempts, Albese are rather loving creatures, and thus, rather dislike fighting. Also, their fathers put strong child safety blocks on their internet. HAHA.

Please, help us protect this wildlife that are the Albese herds. You can help us by donating here: Gokillyourself.com

Join us next time as we discuss the benefits and cons of black people flock. They need to stop excreting fecal matter onto our lawns, then flying away as if nothing has happened, honking all the while.

(I love you Alborz, please don't kill me).

Bored in math part 1

Yes, that's right. Part 1. Math seems to be one of my major "bitching" topics, so I may at well give the topic a trendy and hip name.

We had to go to the computer lab the other day to plot points and make graphs. For once, I knew what I was doing, and finished the project about 20 minutes early. After checking my email, talking to my friend who was busy working next to me, and playing a long hard game of "I wonder what happy people are doing right now", I started entering numbers and adding lines to my graph. I ended up with this:

 

After this, I said a few things stating how horrible math is, my teacher seemed to think that it was some sort of insult instead of a fact, and took personal offense.

The Office

I am currently sitting in our schools' office (I'm writing this on my itouch). I have a detention later this week, and have been sitting here for almost two hours. Why? I drank water in class... That's it. I shit you not.

My german teacher is psychotic.

Birthday

It's my birthday, Motherfuckers.

I'm finally 17. I'm not so much excited by the new age so much as I am glad about the fact that I am no longer 16. In my personal opinion It is a fact, 16 is the worst age. 

Things to do at the age of 16

• Kill yourself
• Nothing else 

 Anyway, I didn't receive any real presents today, on account of all my friends being douche bags and saying, "I'll get you a real present next week."

Just kidding. My friends aren't douche bags... mostly.

Anyway, here are the 3 things I received on my actual birthday. They are all drawn, and, unfortunately, I currently have no access to a scanner, and therefore, these abominations (and I say that in the most endearing way possible) will be shown in an extremely horrible light:

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 This one is from my good friend Gigi "The Situation". This doesn't count as an abomination, for it is too amazingly good. It's all about this: http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/3/38780/1508534-jugheads_double_digest_165_super.jpg 

I made her hang that on her wall, and a few days later we were watching 1 Guy 1 Jar in her room. Our friend Alex turned away and was greeted by Jughead double digest. She hated it so much, she turned back to 1 Guy 1 Jar. That is what I call beautiful.

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This was drawn by my friend Naima. We have this creepy pedophile sub, and every time she sees him he asks how I'm doing. He refers to me as "the girl with the hair". I am frightened and yet I feel pity for him due to the fact that he probably lives in his mother's basement while collecting Miku merchandise. This comic fills me with amusement and disgust. (Much like this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=404qLvKU5u8 Courtesy of muh' home dawg Rickard).

Click to enlarge

Depiction 1: The kid who sits next to me in math class always keeps one hand under the desk and bounces his leg. It looks like he is masturbating so hard, the first time I noticed it, I was terrified... Okay... Not really...  Mostly because he sort of looks like Jack Krauser, and I would rape Jack Krauser... or at least attempt to.

Jack Krauser: Kills people and sits next to Vanessa  in academic algebra 2.

Depiction 2: I'm the "quiet" kid in English class, and by that, I mean I am not retarded. Ironically, my English teacher seems to infer that my silence is social disorder. Wonderful.

It's Friday here in America

RAGE'N.

I am mad about something, but I cannot remember what.

I hate when this happens. Balls.

Fish

I never had pet other than fish. When I'm in college, I plan to get some mice or something. My theme of pets seems to be "things originally bred to feed other animals". As soon as I get my own place, I am getting a big fuckin' dog. Which I guess is meant for Chinese people... racism hooray! It's okay. One of muh main homeboys is Chinese.

So anyway, the big orange fish is called "little one", and the white one is called "red one". I never really gave them names, so I referred to them by what they looked like. Then they fucking went and changed everything up on me. Damn fish. 

My first ever fish was named Blacky, and when he died, I got a fish named Flaky, "cuz he eats flakes". Which made my friend ask, "What?? So what did Blacky eat? Black people?"

Anyway, I have a thing for marine biology, so I actually really like having fish. These 2 are about 9 years old, I got 'em from a "Feeder Fish" tank. Awwwwyea, owner of the year.

People, and why I hate them.

As proven by Harvard graduating brain surgeons such as Snooki, humanity's intelligence is on the rise.

Keepin' it classy.

I was on facebook the other day when I found a "like page" entitled: "Mom: No, we can't buy you a new car. Money doesn't grow on trees y'know! Daughter: Actually it does. Money is paper, paper is trees."

Money is not made out of paper fuckwads. It's made out of a cotton blend. This wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much as it did if this page hadn't received 3K likes.

I once made a joke page for a crocodile furry named Toby, but many of his fans soon found it, as did he shortly after, and they took the whole page rather seriously. I disowned the group shortly afterwords but still check on it time to time to see what is up. I also get friend requests from people such as "Browny Bear".

Also, the post about money's grammar was not done well. At all.

While a spelling and errors are often a bitch to fix, there comes a point when it's time to look back at what you've written, and ask yourself, "Just how many times was I dropped as a child?"

I was once dropped down the stairs when I was about 6th months old. I slipped or my father forgot he was holding me or something and that left me tumbling down the hard wooden stoops.

If I was a staircase, I would want to be carpeted; I will not be held accountable for murder.

Anyway...

Charles Dickins cannot compete.

Thank you for correcting that "hear", without it, I may have never understood what you were trying to communicate, Elv. Is that how you spell it? I think you misspelled "retard".

TIT BEAGLES

Last year  Back in the day, I once asked Dave, "What if animals had human tits?" To which he responded something that nobody cares about, followed by my backup question of, "What if Darwin (his dog) had tits?"

So unraveled the terribly retarded tale of TIT BEAGLE. I made this comic shortly after its creations, and posted it on David's facebook wall.

People ignored it.

So,  I have decided to share it with you (also because Dave and Lewis requested it), please excuse my 2 minute scribble skills:

Stranger Danger

In recent weeks, I have been asked several times if "Hey babe/ma'am/you, you got a smoke?"

No. No I don't have a fucking smoke, okay? I don't understand what compels people to think so.

Also, this is a tit beagle running for president, please vote for him in our upcoming election... it's only one and a half years away: