Tengo Hambre Jr. II

A God Among Men

This is Tengo Hambre Jr. the second, or Junior Two for short. Given to me by my good friend Rachel.

There's a long, long, loooong story behind his name, but I won't bore you with it.

Anyway, he's made with alpaca wool, and he is an alpaca; there's some sort of paradox there, but it will work itself out I am sure.

There is no real purpose behind this blog entry, besides for you all to jealously glare at my adorable little alpaca, wishing you were me. 

He is Tiny

Bikes: The new sensation that's not sweeping anything

I decided to click the "Next blog" button at the top of the screen, being bored and having gotten frustrated with Metal Gear Solid 2 (I played for 10 minutes, got killed 7 times, and ragequit. Money well spent.)

While I did expect the common "obsessive mom" and "creepy religious" blogs, I did not expect to find that half of all blogs would be made up about bikes. While I was amused by a single one of these blogs (the bikers taking part of it having named themselves "Team Bi-atch"), I am still baffled and afraid. Is there something I'm missing? Is this a fad? If so, I do not approve. Anything that supports full grown men in tight spandex should be punishable by guillotine. Guillotine of the non spandex persuasion.

However, just in case the creepy religion and bicyclists ever happen to meet up, thus coming after me with pitchforks and spare chains, I have decided to compose one entry fulfilling the apparently necessary bicycle data requirement.

A bicycle, sometimes used for riding.

Having typed "A bicycle" into google, related searches were a computer and a bus.Once more, I am extremely confused.

Bicycle, noun, otherwise known as a bike (it's thug name) is a wheel that is sexually attracted to both male and female partners.

While often meant for riding, their sole purpose is to not only annoy drivers, but pedestrians as well. It gives the two, who usually hate one another, a matter on which to agree.

One can also take a bike to the park three times a week in an attempt to pick up attractive women. They will say, "Is that bike yours?" And you will say, "Yes, I ride it three times a week." And she will say, "Wow I am impressed I wish I could ride a bike three times a week." And you will say, "Yes, I also have a blog about it. I update it when I am not riding my bike."

At least that's how it will play out in your mind as women give you a once over, scowl, and walk away.

That is if you can ever get off the couch and actually get on said bike.

....Unlikely.

Hitting a bicyclist will earn you ten points, unless a head shot is applied, in which case NIGGA WAI DA FUCK YO' GOTTA GUN IN DIS MOTHAFUCKIN CAR? IF Y'ALL DUN' HAVE A GUN IN DIS HERE CAR, HOW DA FUCK YOU APPLYIN'  HEADSHAWTS? HO, I WILL KILL YOU.

Hookers and blow.

It may or may not be 2 in the morning, and I may or may not have any idea what I'm talking about. 

National Something Day

Today is National Something Day.

In its honor, here is something:

IMPORTANT COMMUNITY ANNOUNCMENT

Hold it! Stop cleaning up that oil spill, stop recycling, stop not beating your children!

THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.

The Albese species (Albesius Emosiusor) is endangered.

A lone Albese, having wandered from the pack.

Albese, often referred to as Alborz or Manwhorz (both singular), are a majestic creature, often found grazing in the halls whilst listening to dubstep and screamo. They enjoy sitting outside despite the weather, and are a prideful bunch. While usually an animal that travels in pack, they have been known to stray or join other groups.

Over the years this majestic beast has been hunted for his meat and pelt, providing warmth for the people of the earth for decades. However, due to carelessness, he has been hunted nearly to extinction.

An Alborz midattack!

Despite their attempts, Albese are rather loving creatures, and thus, rather dislike fighting. Also, their fathers put strong child safety blocks on their internet. HAHA.

Please, help us protect this wildlife that are the Albese herds. You can help us by donating here: Gokillyourself.com

Join us next time as we discuss the benefits and cons of black people flock. They need to stop excreting fecal matter onto our lawns, then flying away as if nothing has happened, honking all the while.

(I love you Alborz, please don't kill me).

Bored in math part 1

Yes, that's right. Part 1. Math seems to be one of my major "bitching" topics, so I may at well give the topic a trendy and hip name.

We had to go to the computer lab the other day to plot points and make graphs. For once, I knew what I was doing, and finished the project about 20 minutes early. After checking my email, talking to my friend who was busy working next to me, and playing a long hard game of "I wonder what happy people are doing right now", I started entering numbers and adding lines to my graph. I ended up with this:

 

After this, I said a few things stating how horrible math is, my teacher seemed to think that it was some sort of insult instead of a fact, and took personal offense.

The Office

I am currently sitting in our schools' office (I'm writing this on my itouch). I have a detention later this week, and have been sitting here for almost two hours. Why? I drank water in class... That's it. I shit you not.

My german teacher is psychotic.

Birthday

It's my birthday, Motherfuckers.

I'm finally 17. I'm not so much excited by the new age so much as I am glad about the fact that I am no longer 16. In my personal opinion It is a fact, 16 is the worst age. 

Things to do at the age of 16

• Kill yourself
• Nothing else 

 Anyway, I didn't receive any real presents today, on account of all my friends being douche bags and saying, "I'll get you a real present next week."

Just kidding. My friends aren't douche bags... mostly.

Anyway, here are the 3 things I received on my actual birthday. They are all drawn, and, unfortunately, I currently have no access to a scanner, and therefore, these abominations (and I say that in the most endearing way possible) will be shown in an extremely horrible light:

Click to enlarge

 This one is from my good friend Gigi "The Situation". This doesn't count as an abomination, for it is too amazingly good. It's all about this: http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/3/38780/1508534-jugheads_double_digest_165_super.jpg 

I made her hang that on her wall, and a few days later we were watching 1 Guy 1 Jar in her room. Our friend Alex turned away and was greeted by Jughead double digest. She hated it so much, she turned back to 1 Guy 1 Jar. That is what I call beautiful.

Click to enlarge

This was drawn by my friend Naima. We have this creepy pedophile sub, and every time she sees him he asks how I'm doing. He refers to me as "the girl with the hair". I am frightened and yet I feel pity for him due to the fact that he probably lives in his mother's basement while collecting Miku merchandise. This comic fills me with amusement and disgust. (Much like this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=404qLvKU5u8 Courtesy of muh' home dawg Rickard).

Click to enlarge

Depiction 1: The kid who sits next to me in math class always keeps one hand under the desk and bounces his leg. It looks like he is masturbating so hard, the first time I noticed it, I was terrified... Okay... Not really...  Mostly because he sort of looks like Jack Krauser, and I would rape Jack Krauser... or at least attempt to.

Jack Krauser: Kills people and sits next to Vanessa  in academic algebra 2.

Depiction 2: I'm the "quiet" kid in English class, and by that, I mean I am not retarded. Ironically, my English teacher seems to infer that my silence is social disorder. Wonderful.

It's Friday here in America

RAGE'N.

I am mad about something, but I cannot remember what.

I hate when this happens. Balls.

Fish

I never had pet other than fish. When I'm in college, I plan to get some mice or something. My theme of pets seems to be "things originally bred to feed other animals". As soon as I get my own place, I am getting a big fuckin' dog. Which I guess is meant for Chinese people... racism hooray! It's okay. One of muh main homeboys is Chinese.

So anyway, the big orange fish is called "little one", and the white one is called "red one". I never really gave them names, so I referred to them by what they looked like. Then they fucking went and changed everything up on me. Damn fish. 

My first ever fish was named Blacky, and when he died, I got a fish named Flaky, "cuz he eats flakes". Which made my friend ask, "What?? So what did Blacky eat? Black people?"

Anyway, I have a thing for marine biology, so I actually really like having fish. These 2 are about 9 years old, I got 'em from a "Feeder Fish" tank. Awwwwyea, owner of the year.

People, and why I hate them.

As proven by Harvard graduating brain surgeons such as Snooki, humanity's intelligence is on the rise.

Keepin' it classy.

I was on facebook the other day when I found a "like page" entitled: "Mom: No, we can't buy you a new car. Money doesn't grow on trees y'know! Daughter: Actually it does. Money is paper, paper is trees."

Money is not made out of paper fuckwads. It's made out of a cotton blend. This wouldn't have bothered me nearly as much as it did if this page hadn't received 3K likes.

I once made a joke page for a crocodile furry named Toby, but many of his fans soon found it, as did he shortly after, and they took the whole page rather seriously. I disowned the group shortly afterwords but still check on it time to time to see what is up. I also get friend requests from people such as "Browny Bear".

Also, the post about money's grammar was not done well. At all.

While a spelling and errors are often a bitch to fix, there comes a point when it's time to look back at what you've written, and ask yourself, "Just how many times was I dropped as a child?"

I was once dropped down the stairs when I was about 6th months old. I slipped or my father forgot he was holding me or something and that left me tumbling down the hard wooden stoops.

If I was a staircase, I would want to be carpeted; I will not be held accountable for murder.

Anyway...

Charles Dickins cannot compete.

Thank you for correcting that "hear", without it, I may have never understood what you were trying to communicate, Elv. Is that how you spell it? I think you misspelled "retard".

TIT BEAGLES

Last year  Back in the day, I once asked Dave, "What if animals had human tits?" To which he responded something that nobody cares about, followed by my backup question of, "What if Darwin (his dog) had tits?"

So unraveled the terribly retarded tale of TIT BEAGLE. I made this comic shortly after its creations, and posted it on David's facebook wall.

People ignored it.

So,  I have decided to share it with you (also because Dave and Lewis requested it), please excuse my 2 minute scribble skills:

Stranger Danger

In recent weeks, I have been asked several times if "Hey babe/ma'am/you, you got a smoke?"

No. No I don't have a fucking smoke, okay? I don't understand what compels people to think so.

Also, this is a tit beagle running for president, please vote for him in our upcoming election... it's only one and a half years away:

Gym

 "Those who can't do anything, teach. And those who can't teach... teach gym."

Gym is possibly one of the most meaningless classes in all of school.

While, if given the right teacher, it can possess some entertainment value, that is not the case this year.

Our track is 1/4 of a mile long. Thus, 4 laps is one mile. Before starting gym each and every agonizing day, we are given the task of running 3 laps. So... 3/4 of a mile (which is apparently 1.207008 Kilometer)

Today, my friends and I ran 2 and a half of those laps, speed walking only half of one.

Upon coming back into the gym, we were informed that we had had points deducted for walking. Upon stating that gym should be about effort, and not ability, our teacher informed us that "if you'd been red in the face and breathing REAL (emphasis on real, since we WERE out of breath) hard, then I would've given you points for effort, but that's not the case."

Then, and, this is the real kicker, he pointed to a few girls who were still on their second lap, WALKING, and says "See? They're maintaining a good running pace. You could learn something from them."

My other favorite part of this story is that the year prior to this, our old gym teacher informed us "If you want to run less, take individual."

We took individual.

Laps run by those in Team Sports: 1

Laps run by those in Individual: 3

Gym teachers  = Competent.

My favorite gym teacher of all time was morbidely obese, and would yell from his rascal for us to run faster before slurping up some more of his Big Gulp. I am not making this up, but I wish I was.

3 Blogs in One Day?

Oh fuck. Shit just got real.

However, it is merely to upload this picture of Dave I was sent about 2 years ago. Now that it is saved to my computer, I will be too lazy to ever unfav it, and people going through my faves will prolly be all... "Vanessa, who is that? Why?"

Though granted, if it's MY faves they're going through, there will be other pictures to worry about...

*Dave WANTED this picture uploaded. Just sayin...

Good RPG

Bored?

http://www.youareinaforest.com/

Math

So APPARENTLY you're supposed to write about yourself/life in blogs. Who knew?

As I am sure you have all somehow gathered by now (or not), I am a failure when it comes to math.

If a man ran up to me and said, "Bitch, tell me some math or I will shoot you with this gun." I would probably be shot with that gun.

I received a test back today. I had a solid 50%. The pity look that my teacher gave me did not help the situation. Upon visiting the guidance office shortly after, to discuss a topic that was completely unrelated to math,  I was urged to not take a math class next year. Perplexed I asked, "Don't colleges recommend 4 years of math though?" She hesitently replied with a yes.

It's like my math attempts are literally hurting other people.

On average, I have a C.

How I Feel About Math:

Trollin' Omegle.

As I like to ignore majority of homework and social requests (because both are dumb), I find myself bored and on the internet more than can be healthy for one single entity. I hate Omegle, but I troll on there a lot.

Here are some examples.

 Example #1: Omegle.com: Brimming with not only class, but intelligence as well.

 Example #2: Granted, this isn't actually a troll. However, I like how he found it necessary to point out to me that Kangaroo Pouch isn't an actual residential area. "sydny" however, apparently is.

 

Example #3: Once again, not really a troll, just my loss of faith in humanity... and me asserting my dominance. 

 Example #4: I had a better one of these saved, where our good friend Stranger ragequit omegle (and perhaps even life shortly after). However, that chat got deleted due to Stranger's hasty disconnection in a pathetic attempt to unsee what had been seen.
LINK TO PICTURE ONE: http://oi53.tinypic.com/2rf64h3.jpg
LINK TO PICTURE TWO: http://oi54.tinypic.com/2cxgoeb.jpg

I'd post them here, but I rather it be a surprise. It's nothing that bad... sadly.

And just like that... BAM. Blog post #2.

It's shit like this that's making me fail math, but at least I have a basic grasp of the english language.

First Post

So this is the first blog I've ever written. I used to laugh at people who blogged. Mainly due to the fact that the average blogger's intelligence is substantially lower than that of a fork. A PLASTIC fork, mind you.

At the same time however, I have always wanted to write out some of the gay shit that pops into my mind. I used to write it down in my dA journals, but quickly realized that more people were freightened than actually amused by that, and stopped the act shortly after. Lest people scorn me by drawing me getting impaled/raped, or, even worse yet, as a furry.

If I were a furry, I would want to be a monkey. As I feel that if you try anthropomorphism on a monkey, it will simply be a fat man with mild down syndrome. Then I could sit around all day eating chocolate pudding and watching television. Maybe I'd get a hot nurse.

Also, upon googling anthropomorphic, I was greeted with this image: http://en.wikifur.com/w/images/5/59/Anthro_dolphin_and_anthro_horse.jpg

Perhaps being a monkey would morph me into an Italian supermodel instead.