Becoming A Terrible Artist: A Guide

Sometimes my mom people ask me, "Vanessa, what are some key steps to becoming a good artist?"

To which I have no response. However, if they want to become a shitty artist, such as myself, here are a few basic guidelines.

1. Boredom

Every once in awhile, we all get a hankering to draw. When this happens, make sure to put a lot of effort into the first half of your drawing.

Using MS Paint is also a plus

Somewhere about halfway through (sometimes 5 minutes in, it varies) you should get completely and utterly sick of drawing. However, and this step is crucial, take it as a challenge. Instead of laying your art aside for later completion, decide to finish it all as quickly as possible.

How do I anatomy

Perfect!

2. Color
Once in a blue moon, you might actually find yourself drawing something halfway decent.

DO NOT PANIC! There is hope to ruin it yet! Charged with confidence, you decide to click on the artist pallet.

Getting there, but there's just something missing...

Just throw in some shading, and you're pretty much good.

4. Musical Inspiration
A good amount of artists get their inspiration from music. Myself included...

Step 1. Find a happy or upbeat song and become utterly obsessed with it.
Step 2. Start drawing to song.

Utmost Kawaii

Step 3. Realize that you have listened to said song so repetitively that it is starting to piss you off.

Step 4. Switch to the exact opposite of the song. 

Step 5. Get weird adrenaline rush from new song. Turn into some form the The Hulk. 

Step 6. Let new song influence your work.

Step 6. Return to normal. 

Step 7. Regret. Regret everything. 

BAM. Complete. 

5. Excessive Lines 

Actually that looks kinda cool

6. Accepting compliments

Upon accepting any form of compliment, make sure to be as socially awkward as humanly possible. 

If murmuring a thanks, make sure to add a "you, too." to the end of the sentence. 

For more shitty art practice/inspiration, you can always visit my deviantart

Why stuff sucks

My friend helped me realize earlier this week that I'm really no good at updating my blog and writing about things if it involves being "friendly" or writing about things I "enjoy".

To a degree anyway.

Therefore, I have decided to critique random specimens that I find to be "shitty" and believe could have been done better; had I have access to a time machine.

1. Math

As I'm sure you've all been able to tell by now, math and I do not see eye to eye on many things. Had I a time machine, I would severely bludgeon whoever decided to advance the subject past multiplication... or just anything I don't understand. I hope you all like basic algebra because it's as far as the system is going to go.

As for the lot of you who actually get some sort of sick pleasure out of math....

2. Modern Art

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a famous piece of modern art worth a couple of thousands. It's a monochromatic piece, which is artist speak for "it's one fucking color, asshole. Deal with it".

I don't care if it has some deep inner meaning. I could graffiti "SHITSICLES" on a wall and say it represents.

the corruption of today's youth through all aspects. Feces enter our bodies rather than exit and we are never truly pure.

Giving something meaning doesn't make it art, at least not to a general public.

Modern art was actually able to catch my interest for quite awhile. Mainly due to artists such Keith Boadwee (who shoves paint into his butthole and then squeezes it onto canvas) and Bob Flanagan (who nailed his own penis to a board). They suffered (or deeply enjoyed, I'm not sure which) for their art. Then hipsters decided it would be retro to create their own... Not by trying though, that'd be too mainstream. Thus, masterpieces such as these were born.

Had I a time machine/unlimited power (same thing, really), I would decree that all modern art, or at least that which is so effortless, have the word "SHITSICLES" spray painted onto it. To show that it is shit, and always will be. 

3. Cinnamon

Possibly the most nauseatingly popular thing that can be considered a food substance/spice. There's a reason the cinnamon challenge forces you to gag and vomit; eating pure cinnamon will unleash the Antichrist within your body. YOU MUST REPENT. 

Whoever thought "LAWL THIS LOOKS LIKE BARK, BETTER EAT IT." was probably a little slow anyway, and nobody would notice if they went missing (via time machine, of course). 

Maybe none of that was very humorous, but I'm too busy being disgusted to find it within myself to be funny.

Cinnamon buns can stay though. Those are rather good.

4. Money

Or, rather, the lack of me having any. Travelling to the future and forcing everyone into poverty wouldn't effect me in the "present", so I really see no problem with doing so. (Cuz just suddenly entering millions of dollars yet to exist wouldn't mess up the economy or anything, right? Also I'm sure robbing people in the future will be so much easier.)

5. Filled Crackers

They're TOO good. I hate them so much for it. 

However, speaking of Hello Panda, it's been "the new sports theme" for almost 7 years. I don't want to be reminded of exercise whilst eating calorie packed biscuits. It makes me feel bad. It also makes me question the, shall we say, freshness... of the biscuits I'm eating. 

6. Stuff I'm actually against

You.

7. Lol just kidding

I'm sure none of you actually care what my views on things are (thanks a lot, dicks), and those of you who do, well, I suppose you already know. I'll be sure to shove it down ALL your throats sometime in the future, but for now...

8.

Edit: I also hate editing this page. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THIS FORMAT AT IS. LOOK AT IT.

Art

Seeing as how I own a camera, I am an artist. People often ask me "Vanessa, how do you make such good art? Do you own a camera?" and I respond with "I am a professional and, yes, own a camera." Then they usually continue with "Can I make art as good as you if I own a camera?" And I say, "I don't know... you have to be pretty deep and misunderstood to become a photographic artist like myself... but owning a camera is a good start and maybe you could take pictures of puppies or something."

Spiraling Downward

The staircase represents our spiral into insanity. However, our local mall contains no spiraled staircases so I had the option of photographing the regular kind or an elevator shaft. The man on the stairs represents us all and is perhaps telling us to yield... but we cannot. The babies should be disregarded as they are babies and do not go insane very often.

My Soul

This little gem is entitled "My Soul", as it gives you an inward look at how deep and creative I truly am. Don't I have pretty eyes? I doesn't matter though because I am an artist and artists don't care about looks. We are too busy being free spirits. 

Leap of Faith

 I call this piece "Leap of Faith". It depicts me, full of colour and spirit, walking on the brightest part of this dismal world. I am struggling with my views on religion and sexuality. Will I make it? Let's hope so for the sake of the artistic community. Send me your prayers. Or don't. I haven't decided if I am an atheist or not yet. Whichever is more artsy.

Forgotten Souls

"Forgotten Souls". This is what we have become. This is me and my friend Darkness Twilight. We are both misunderstood creatures and are often called "emo" even though we don't believe in stereotypes. If anything we would most likely be gothic so everyone's stereotyping is wrong anyway.

Rebelling

"Rebelling" against society. It doesn't matter if we're both girls we should be allowed to walk through the mall holding hands and taking pictures without anyone stopping us. This picture is very deep and meaningful because we are experimenting (LOL bi people are so COOL! GSA WOO!~ XD). Just because we both only like men does not mean we cannot be bisexual or even full lesbians.

Slaughter

After our venture into the deep world of art, Darkness Twi and I went to a little underground non mainstream shop to discuss the photo shoot. It's a place called Taco Bell, but you've probably never heard of it. During this time almost all of the fillings in her taco fell out and it was a tragedy only comparable to the holocaust. THE holocaust. It's kinda mainstream but that's alright my heart still goes out to them. MMFWCL. Mwah.

Colors of the Rainbow

 "Colors of the Rainbow"... and brown... mostly brown.

Society's Curse

This shows how society has effected even classic things such as Spiderman. I don't read comics like Spiderman though... I prefer ones such as JTHM and Emily the Strange.

I hope you all have enjoyed my display of fine arts... both classic and modern. If you would like to use my art for anything please ask first because it is mine and I wouldn't want to have to sue you.