Becoming A Terrible Artist: A Guide

Sometimes my mom people ask me, "Vanessa, what are some key steps to becoming a good artist?"

To which I have no response. However, if they want to become a shitty artist, such as myself, here are a few basic guidelines.

1. Boredom

Every once in awhile, we all get a hankering to draw. When this happens, make sure to put a lot of effort into the first half of your drawing.

Using MS Paint is also a plus

Somewhere about halfway through (sometimes 5 minutes in, it varies) you should get completely and utterly sick of drawing. However, and this step is crucial, take it as a challenge. Instead of laying your art aside for later completion, decide to finish it all as quickly as possible.

How do I anatomy

Perfect!

2. Color
Once in a blue moon, you might actually find yourself drawing something halfway decent.

DO NOT PANIC! There is hope to ruin it yet! Charged with confidence, you decide to click on the artist pallet.

Getting there, but there's just something missing...

Just throw in some shading, and you're pretty much good.

4. Musical Inspiration
A good amount of artists get their inspiration from music. Myself included...

Step 1. Find a happy or upbeat song and become utterly obsessed with it.
Step 2. Start drawing to song.

Utmost Kawaii

Step 3. Realize that you have listened to said song so repetitively that it is starting to piss you off.

Step 4. Switch to the exact opposite of the song. 

Step 5. Get weird adrenaline rush from new song. Turn into some form the The Hulk. 

Step 6. Let new song influence your work.

Step 6. Return to normal. 

Step 7. Regret. Regret everything. 

BAM. Complete. 

5. Excessive Lines 

Actually that looks kinda cool

6. Accepting compliments

Upon accepting any form of compliment, make sure to be as socially awkward as humanly possible. 

If murmuring a thanks, make sure to add a "you, too." to the end of the sentence. 

For more shitty art practice/inspiration, you can always visit my deviantart

Vlogging and Other Things

So those vlogs turned out not to be "successful" per se. I tried my hand at Let's Play videos, but I got nervous a lot and did more dying than actual shooting... or "playing". After not becoming instantly internet famous after the first few uploads, I decided to... put it on hold. Forever.

So anyway, I've been reading Hyperbole and A Half, and it gave me some inspiration on what to write about.

It also helped me to realize what my blog was crucially missing: Crudely drawn ms paint figures.

So expect that in the future at some point.

In the meantime, have this photo manipulation in which I replaced Kevin Spacey's facial features with my own:

It's penetrating your soul... Amongst other things. 

Vlogs

If any of you remember, in my very first blog entry I discussed just how much I thought bloggers were tools.

Welp, it's time to face that problem once again, but this time over a new topic: vlogs.

There are a lot of vloggers out there that piss me off. However, I've come to realize that my hatred for them stems more from their need to try and impress everyone than anything else.

That, or trying to offend everyone in a failed attempt at being "funny" or "badass".

Or some godawful mixture of the two.

Either way, they are awful and I hope their parent's are regretting not having those abortions.

Is that offensive enough? Should I throw some nazi jokes in there?

Yeah, I'm going to regret writing this when it's suddenly not 3 in the morning.

Or when I get a lot of rejection letters from colleges who google my email address.

Or when anything else ever.

Anyway, back on topic, I've decided to make a vlog.

So yeah, I'll be posting the videos here.

Now I just need a catch phrase.

Here's one, how about: GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I like it. It's very open.

I can already hear me 2 years from now tryna nostalgia hard and reading this, thinking, "Oh God what was wrong with me?"

I am sorry, future me. I am sorry.

Anyway, until I upload a video, you can enjoy some of my classy favorites such as "Epic Naked Man" and "Arnold from the Magic School Bus Dies".

Also, that second recommendation isn't optional. You must watch it.

Saying that reminds me of how in elementary school the librarians would force me to take out the books they'd recommend to me. I'd usually just get some shit and never read it, and then when they'd ask me "So how was it?" I'd say, "I don't know, I didn't want to take it out." or "Good." and then just take out a movie instead.

It wasn't that I didn't like reading as a kid, but every story located in an elementary school library was about team building and forgiving your enemies.

If some asshole teases my autistic brother, I'm not going to try to give him closure so that he'll eventually soften up to me and apologize to my sibling.

I shit you not that was one of the books. I was so fucking mad.

Can you imagine if they did that in the real world? If the cops caught a serial killer and were like, "But no, it's okay, he's just misunderstood. He doesn't know it's wrong!"

Like, "OHMAN I DIDN'T KNOW. BETTER LET HIM GO."

Anyway, this blog entry is about 30 paragraphs longer than I meant for it to be, so...

Have a nice day. :)

Halloween

With Halloween just around the corner, everyone is doing their best to find a costume that works for them.

That being said, I don't understand is why every woman's costume has to be sexy.

I am scared to know what a Squidward adaption would look like.

I thought Spongebob was a children's cartoon, not a sleazy clothing brand for middle aged prostitutes. But hey, whatever works!

But that's not even the worst of it....

A sexy crayon? Really? Who even made this? I don't understand what kind of person sits there and thinks, "Hr. That crayon over there sure is makin' me horny."

Clearly the kind of person with no mental stability. 

Also, statistics show that children get molested on Halloween more than on most other holidays. Unfortunately, that's understandable, seeing as how they're wandering the streets alone and knocking on stranger's doors. Of course, one can always take safety measures. So how can you ensure your child's safety?

Cleverly titled 'Cheerless Leader'. Gettit? Cuz she's been raped.

By dressing them up like this, of course! 

Once again, I don't understand who makes these costumes. They cannot even go so far as being classified as cute. Also, what kind of parent is alright with this? 

Probably the same kind who would be willing to wear the sexy crayon outfit. 

(Halloween is my favorite holiday, so expect more than one entry about it.)

My future and what I plan to do with it

Well, I'm looking into colleges and scrambling to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Initially, I thought I would like to be an art teacher, but I soon realized that my "love" for art and children was actually a growing hatred.

I like children, I like art; I don't like either enough to spend everyday of the rest of my life working with the collation.

Look at how much pain she's in.

So I was asked to think up other things I would like to do, bringing up marine biology my father was kind enough to quickly chime in, "No, you need to be smart for that."

Ignoring his lovely fact idea, I did realize that I hate microscopic biology, and would probably fail any test ever that involved such material. So, as the kids say, fuck that.

BUT THEN....

After another good debate with my mother over I should be a lawyer or not, I realized I really enjoyed writing. Being a lawyer isn't my still because I hate politics and then I'd be a PART OF THE SYSTEM.

Anyway, when you think of journalism and the likes you always think of politics, which is, obviously not what I want to write about.

I will most likely major in communications.

So I really want to be one of those people who critiques things. I think I'd be rather good at it, seeing as how I'm only funny when I'm making fun of/being mean to something.

If none of that works out, I'll just have to go with plan B.

Which is becoming this guy.

To start off, I figured I'd try and join the school paper (horrifying, I know). So for those of you who I go to school with, actually start reading it.

Otakon

Are you all enjoying my sudden flow of entries?

Well I am, so fuck you.

It just occurred to me that I never actually made an entry about Otakon, and figured I should go ahead and do so.

And by that I mean I should go ahead and upload this picture:

Dat gun.

I spent most of Thursday and Friday searching for a Duke, and was constantly told to give up because "nobody would dress up as him."

Then, at about 11 on Friday night, I saw a red blob walking beside me, and looked up to see the god that is...

...this guy.

The moral of this story is: Don't give up hope. Even if it seems effortless (like trying to find an attractive male dressed as a specific video game character at an anime convention).

Anyway, I'll go ahead and admit that I have a problem. My friend Estelle recently messaged me and said: essay prompt: Discuss something you secretly like but pretend not to, or vice versa. First thought: Duke Nukem. 

I have to agree. Sadly. Not to mention I sort of gave up pretending not to quite awhile ago.

Also Chris-chan! Yaaay Chris-chan, yaaaay. 

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE

The geeg meister and I are making a FAQ/QandA video tomorrow night, so if you have any questions you'd like to ask us, feel free to comment/message/whatnot me. 

Earthquakes up in hya

I experienced my first earthquake today.

Before I knew what was happening I honestly just thought my neighbors were having rougher sex than usual.

Then, when my room literally began shakin' around all my crap, I just got mad at them for being dicks in general, and then proceeded to think about fat people.

Finally deciding that maybe going outside was a good idea, I got distracted by video games and then took a nap instead.

Nah, the quakes had stopped at that point. I'm not QUITE that stupid.

Just very close to it.

FUCK THE POLICE.

"Vanessa, you sound like a black redneck."

-Marc